Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
