i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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