You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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