mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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