I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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