You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
