Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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