I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
