Cold hands, warm shart.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
