Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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