Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
