the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
