Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
