New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
