I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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