No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
