my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
