census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
