I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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