WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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