the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
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