cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
