The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
