just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
