My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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