In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
