if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
