I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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