Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
