how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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