Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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