I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
