just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
