if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
