Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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