Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
