I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
sex in a hospital.. check
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gargled with NyQuil
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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