I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
