On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
whose parrot is this?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
