Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
the day after is always just damage control
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
