my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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