we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Oh god it's open bar.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
