worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
