Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
