I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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