My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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