You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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