i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
