I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
