Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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