Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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