I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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