ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
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was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
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Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
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