Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
