oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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