I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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