nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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