If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
