I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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