Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
