Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
