If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just invented taco cereal.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
