God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
