The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
